Last night sucked

Last night, I came home all anxious and feeling depressed and crappy. I suggested to M that we go out to eat. "On a Wednesday night?" he said. I suggested it might be fun to break up the routine. I also convinced him that we should go to a restaurant he can't stand. So down two losses, he was in a foul mood. I promised him he could pick the next two times we go out to eat, and off we went.

I guess I've been moody, distant and quiet with him, and he thinks I'm mad at him. I am, a bit, because I don't feel he's been super supportive of my current issues. Part of my silence is that, quite frankly, I'm depressed. And I've been depressed for three months now. I hate it. And I want it to fucking stop. He's pushing me to have a baby. I'm worried I won't be able to care for one and I'll get depressed after we have a kid. And I really can't stand the situation I'm in elsewhere, let's just leave it at that.

So with that as background, we sat in the restaurant, and I made a comment to him he perceived as snotty after he ordered his food. In retrospect, it was, and I shouldn't have said it. He absolutely blew up at me and told me he was going to walk out of the restaurant. (He didn't.) I promptly burst into tears and told him how unhappy I've been, and that my therapist keeps making action plans with me that I don't follow through on, and that makes me feel worse, yadda yadda yadda. He just sat back and absorbed it all. The waiter must have thought he was beating me. I tend to bottle shit up and then explode, and that's what happened last night.

He told me that we need to make an action plan to deal with my depression, and that he doesn't think I'm doing enough to help myself get better. I told him I needed to check my email when we got home, and he told me he also thinks I've been spending too much time online (i.e., isolated and away from him). So I was to "check my email and get the hell off the computer. " I spent a bit more time than that looking up something related to my "action plan," and he literally pulled the plug on me. That fucking infuriated me, and I started screaming at him that he had no right to do that. I think he feels like he hasn't been supportive enough, so now he's going to go completely the other way and overcompensate. And you know, IMHO, neither approach works.

So he sat down with me and tried to get me to make up an action plan. By this time, I'm all upset and tired and didn't want him involved, so I told him I didn't care and didn't want to do this with him. He kept pushing, and if you nag me, I do not respond well. So I threw the list across the room and told him to mind his own damn business. Great. He told me he has not been "riding me enough," and he's going to start. WTF have I gotten myself into?

So I called him this morning on my way in to tell him I was sorry about last night, and he reiterated that he's going to "ride me" -- in a nice way. Jesus Christ. I wish to God things could be simpler, because right now, they really suck my ass. And I'm sitting in my cube at work, after being snapped at by two of my coworkers in a row, ready to fucking cry. I'm just really, really sad, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being so sensitive. I'm tired of feeling like I have no friends. I'm tired of being depressed and having bad thoughts. I'm tired of taking a pill every morning and hoping things get better, and they aren't where they are supposed to be. Partially because I haven't done the rest of the work.

OK, I need to stop crying and go for a lunchtime walk to clear my head.