Complete freakout
M is sound asleep in the other room. Today, he called me at work and told me he wasn't doing well. His boss got on the phone and said he was having trouble breathing and to come get him. I drove to his work at the speed of sound, in the words of Coldplay, and he was better. We think he had an anxiety attack, since he was panting for breath. He was, however, running a fever. I took him out for ice cream and then home. I went to book our Labor Day trip online and show him the hotel I want to stay at, and he was too tired to stand at the computer for the five minutes it took to pull up the hotel information.
I don't mind telling the Internet at large that I'm scared to death of what's happening to the man I love, otherwise known as my husband or the male me. He is my whole life. As I've mentioned, we need to go for a bunch of tests in the next few weeks for him, and I'm hoping we get a diagnosis soon. If he does have lupus, which is what they suspect (and my Internet research makes me suspect as well), my understanding is that it's nonfatal most of the time. But what if it's attacking his internal organs and there's too much damage? He didn't want to take his Trileptal tonight, because he said it's making him too tired, but I bullied him into taking it. I'm trying to be strong and do the best I can for him and be his rock and not get ahead of myself and take things one step at a time -- but I'm terrified. I want to puke all day long at work from anxiety about this, and all I've done is eat. Yet I give less than a shit about the weight I've gained. The eating is too therapeutic. I know it's not healthy, and that I should be engaging in more beneficial pursuits.
The anxious, uptight, high-strung me keeps whispering what if he... and then stops itself. I have a feeling of impending doom. I'm kind of a mess, blogosphere. If anyone has any words of advice on how to get through this and be strong for the best thing that ever happened to me, I'm all ears. Because I feel like I'm falling apart, and I can't right now. M needs me.
I don't mind telling the Internet at large that I'm scared to death of what's happening to the man I love, otherwise known as my husband or the male me. He is my whole life. As I've mentioned, we need to go for a bunch of tests in the next few weeks for him, and I'm hoping we get a diagnosis soon. If he does have lupus, which is what they suspect (and my Internet research makes me suspect as well), my understanding is that it's nonfatal most of the time. But what if it's attacking his internal organs and there's too much damage? He didn't want to take his Trileptal tonight, because he said it's making him too tired, but I bullied him into taking it. I'm trying to be strong and do the best I can for him and be his rock and not get ahead of myself and take things one step at a time -- but I'm terrified. I want to puke all day long at work from anxiety about this, and all I've done is eat. Yet I give less than a shit about the weight I've gained. The eating is too therapeutic. I know it's not healthy, and that I should be engaging in more beneficial pursuits.
The anxious, uptight, high-strung me keeps whispering what if he... and then stops itself. I have a feeling of impending doom. I'm kind of a mess, blogosphere. If anyone has any words of advice on how to get through this and be strong for the best thing that ever happened to me, I'm all ears. Because I feel like I'm falling apart, and I can't right now. M needs me.
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