More on M and deep late-night thoughts

So I just got back from the hospital, where my husband M is climbing the walls. In case you haven't been tuning in to the adventures of my life, he went to a new rheumatologist on Friday for a routine exam. The doc noticed one leg was more swollen then the other (both are swollen, because he's having a bout of Stevens-Johnson Syndrome in reaction to Dilantin) and ordered an ultrasound, which revealed a massive clot above the knee. The official party line as to why he was then admitted to the hospital is so they can start him on blood thinners and monitor how he reacts to them. They're giving him a shot in the belly twice a day of blood thinners and then will start him on them in pill form and have him on 60 mg of Pred to get rid of the last of the SJS. They're also testing his kidneys in advance of possibly giving him a diuretic, because he's still retaining a lot of fluid. Anyway, I took a ride down and played the '80s game with him. We get nuts on that, both being children of the '80s. He's in a semiprivate room, and he's had two roomies. The first guy had surgery on his back and was in agony. The second dude was in a major four-wheeler accident where he knocked himself out and was found by another guy. He seems to have lost his eye, and he's broken several bones. He's in agony, and we feel bad for him.

I wasn't expecting this latest hospitalization, kids. It really threw me for a loop. With the anxiety issues I have, I'm terrified of him throwing a pulmonary embolism from the DVT. I started thinking about death in general, how someone can just not exist anymore. Holy crap, that just freaks me out. Where do people go when they die? They're just not there anymore. And you know, you grow up watching cartoons where you want the bad guy to die, but in real life, no one should die. I need my husband. He's brilliant, funny, loving and a beautiful person. I need him to get better and stop having such crap-butt luck.

Sorry so gloomy. It's almost midnight, I'm facing another night without my honey next to me in bed, and I'm just frustrated.